I love my sister

A very typical “Sue” thing happened to me yesterday. To be honest, of all of my fuck-ups to date, it pretty much qualified as a‘personal best’.

T’was such a pleasant Sunday afternoon.
The sun was shining, the birds were singing and I was dropping a friend at the airport (which is an hour and a half away from my house). My oldest daughter was with us as I was dropping her back to Uni in Melbourne afterwards.

So by the time that we get to the airport, I am BUSTING to go to the toilet.
I ask my charming daughter to please hold my stuff while I go, but alas, her response was a long-winded complaint.
I had no time to waste arguing with her. I was too busy listening to my bladder politely explaining to me that if I didn’t empty it within the next 15 seconds that it would be thanking me by exploding.
I shoved my stuff into the hands (and pockets) of my travelling friend and bolted

Aaaah…. That’s better!!!!

All good,
emergency over,
feeling great.
I’ve headed on out, and found them by the bar. Yes I do believe its beer-o’clock… thankyou thankyouverymuch….very civilized.

Much laughing and talking and smiling later, and along came the inevitable boarding call.
We left our goodbyes to the very last minute, and I watched with a happy, “all is well in the world”, warm fuzzy feeling as my friend ambled across the tarmac and up the stairs onto the plane.

Right, next stop Uni, too easy!

Before heading back to the car, we quickly popped into the airport bookstore to grab a magazine for my daughter.

1 X Cosmo later was when I realized …

• Purse – check

• Sunnies – check

• Phone – check

Car keys?
Car keys???
Car keys?????

Nooooooo

Holy holy holy shit!!!

I looked frantically out of the window for the plane…
It was still there, but the stairs were all removed, the doors were locked and it was MOVING
With

MY CAR KEYS

Holy holy holy HOLY shit

If you could get a hold of the security footage (which I doubt, as its most likely been taken home by the security guards to have a laugh at with their wives…) you would see that there was a VERY undignified run across the hall to the boarding gate, in the vain hope that they could get the plane to stop taxi-ing down the runway ( FYI they cannot, and they will laugh at you for even suggesting it ).

So I breathed… very important.

And I stood with my nose against the window, laughing a slightly hysterical laugh as I watched my keys rise slowly into the air and fly away on a happy holiday

Then I almost cried as I turned and realized that

THE BAR HAD CLOSED

Great! There goes Plan A !

Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit

There was only one thing to do,

I took a deep breath and rang my long suffering little sister.

• And did she yell at me? No
• Did she laugh at me? No (well not so loudly that I could hear it)
• Did she say “sorry… who is this? I can’t hear you… I think my phone’s about the drop out..clunk” no

Nope, she said very calmly… “you dickhead. Where is your spare key? I’ll be there as quickly as I can”

I breathed a huge sigh of relief

Then, I consoled myself with a violet crumble, a bag of chips, toasted sandwich and coffee, and used the time wisely educating myself by reading the sealed section of my daughter’s magazine… very informative (learnt a whole new set of moves).

2 long hours later, the kindest sister in the world was texting me from out the front.

I did the walk of shame past the sniggering security guards and ground staff.
And there she was, illegally parked in the bus zone, with a big smile, shaking my spare keys in the air, laughing her head off.

She threw me the keys, I threw her a bag of lolly snakes for the trip home and she sped off into the sunset.

And I’m pretty sure she's around at mums right now BEGGING her to tell her that she's adopted!

So yesterday I learnt 3 very important things:

1. Always make sure you have your car keys before you let anyone get on a plane.
2. Life is full of unexpected adventures, and there is a funny side to almost all of them.
3. If you are lucky, you get a little sister who despite all of the awful things you did to her growing up, will love you despite your (considerable) flaws and be there for you through thick and thin… and that this is a most precious gift.

Thanks Jen. Xxx

So here’s to sisters and stuff ups, and to being able to laugh at our selves and our mistakes.

does anyone else have an exceptional sister?

can anyone beat me in the 'fuck-up' stakes this weekend?

There is a smell in my car...

Yesterday when I got in, I was greeted with a ‘whiff”, just a hint of something in the air.

hmmmm…

As usual, I was in a hurry, so I did what every busy mother does; I turned up the fan and cranked up the stereo. I ignored the stink and let Adele take my mind away to some place less smelly.

But today there was no avoiding the “whiff”. It was still there, lurking, waiting, bigger, bolder, and more stomach churning than before.

I was left with no choice, but to stop avoiding the issue.

I took a deep breath and took a proper look around.

Oh dear, what I saw was definitely NOT GOLD!!!

Now, I’m sure that it hasn’t been THAT long since I had a car cleanout.

You know the day when something snaps? When suddenly, you can take the filth no more?

Well my chickie friends, that day was today, and this is what you do:

• First, you grab a great big garbage bag, and start emptying all of the crap out, like a woman possessed!

• You ‘Armor-all’ the be-jesus out of everything (including the steering wheel, which you inevitably regret at the first first corner you try to turn afterwards).

• You ‘Windex’ the inside of the front window and marvel at how you can actually see stuff!

• Next, you tell the kids:  “THAT’S IT!!!! This is disgusting, I’ve got enough to do, it’s not fair AND it’s not just my responsibility. From now on, everyone brings their OWN rubbish in… blah blah blah blah”

(I think we’re all familiar with this particular lecture chickies? Its one of the top 5 speeches in the “mother’s lectures 101” handbook. I’m sure no kid has ever listened past “THAT’S IT!!!”)

So, the cleanout began in earnest.

 I’m ashamed to say, that here is a rundown of what I removed:

Empty water bottles
Half empty water bottles
Grime-aplenty
Empty maccas paraphernalia (I know, bad mother)
Half an apple (yep, let the record show I tried)
One solitary French fry (there is always one, just like when you throw up there is always carrot in there somewhere)
Newspapers from the dark ages (well, at least from a long time ago)
Magazines and catalogues
Bits of magazines and catalogues
Cups
Plastic bags
Dirty socks
Receipts
Empty takeaway coffee cups
And, one sad, lonely little green jelly baby (does anyone actually eat the green ones?)

The list above is one of the many reasons that I never judge other mothers.
I live in a glass house baby… and it’s not double- glazed.

The rubbish I pulled out of that car was truly gross.

And I’m certain that the CSIRO would have found some rare and funky strains of penicillin if they had been brave enough to put on their masks, go in there and swab the scene of this crime against good car hygiene.

But guess what???

Once the filth was cleared, I found HEAPS of useful stuff, including:

a blanket, cardigan, bandaids, toothpaste, baby wipes, umbrella, hand sanitizer (pretty ironic), umbrella, lipstick, lip gloss, pens, stamps, phone chargers, shit loads of cd’s (none in their correct cases though… hehehe), paper, a screwdriver, 2 pairs of thongs (of the foot variety), books, tweezers (never know when you might need to pluck a stray hair at the traffic lights), nail file, nail polish, tissues, nurofen, chewy, enough spare change (mostly 5 cent pieces) to buy a new car, clean socks, gumboots, 5 tubes of pawpaw lip balm, L-plates, sunscreen, hair ties, memory stick, handcream, cigarette lighter (never know when I’ll need to light a fire or attend a concert), muesli bar, tub of fruit, and a water-pistol… I shit you not!

Yep if by some cruel twist of fate, we were locked in this car, my small family could probably survive comfortably for weeks before things got ugly and we needed out!

So, today I came to the conclusion that:

My car is my handbag

I don’t have a Gucci or a Louis Vuitton.
Nope, I have a huge, gun metal grey “mazda’ handbag.
It goes everywhere with me, and it holds A WHOLE LOTTA CRAP!

Oh, and I am pleased to announce that the “whiff” is gone.
Strangely, there was not one particular single item that was the culprit. I’ve decided that it was less of a “whiff” and more of a “pot pourri” of my disorganized life.

Pleeeease tell me that someone else has a disgracefully dirty car???

My secret super-human motherly powers

Today my beautiful teenage daughter asked me a question…

Maybe I have really bad PMT, because normally I would have just shot back the answer, but for some reason, today, I just felt like screaming:

Do I look like a f#$%ing encyclopedia?

Do I have “funky” or “Wagnall” tattooed across my forehead?? …. I think not!

Ah the joys of being someone’s mother.

At first when they were little, it was the ‘cute’ simple stuff they asked for.
Tiny little requests and expectations:

• “Mummy, turn off the wind”
• “Mummy, the sun is in my eyes turn it dowwwwwn”
• “Mummy, I need a chef’s costume for school today” (an excellent announcement to make at 8.45am)
• “Mummy, this ice is too cold!”
• “Mummy, I can’t sleeeeeeeeeeeep!”

ah yes, surely I am superhuman...

That my beloved offspring believe me to have magical super powers; I suppose it was kind of flattering. Especially when you consider that that these gorgeous creatures did not come with a manual and I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHAT I’M DOING!!!

Fast forward, 18 loooong years of motherly service and devotion later…
It’s nice to know they think I’ve still got it.

Nowadays, the sun is not a problem as they are rarely out of bed early enough to see it. My costume input is laughed at, but I am expected to be some kind of interactive gadget which drives them all over town and has a whole lotta RAMS of memory available to store and recall at a nano seconds notice. Apple should patent me; I’d be a top seller.

• “Mum, what time are yoga classes on a Wednesday?”  (Yes darling, I am Einstein and I memorize all of your sporting timetables just for kicks dear)

• “Mum, what is the PUK code for my phone?”(How the P-U-K am I supposed to know???)

• “Mum, quick I need my tax file number, bank account number, birth certificate, group certificate from 2 years ago.”(Serenity now serenity now serenity now...)

• “Mum, where is my red lipstick?” (All over my white towels dear- cheers!)

• “Mum, where is that ‘thing’ that I left on the floor, that everyone tripped over for days until you picked it up and now I need it…. NOW!”

aaaaargh

It’s no wonder that my head hurts and that there’s no space left in there for remembering the simple things like whether or not my zipper is up!

When they leave home (they do eventually leave don’t they???), these divine creatures have left me a lasting legacy, a beautiful reminder.

I call it: “Chapter 11”

Ellen says she made the bigger line on the left

Yep, every day for the rest of my life, when I look at my face in the mirror, I will be reminded of the years of mental and physical challenges that earned me these stripes.

Then, I will smile and remember the fun bits too.

I will be proud that we all made it through relatively intact.

That I managed to trick my daughters into believing I possessed magical powers. When truth is, I didn’t even have a manual

Shhhhhhhhhh

What magical powers did your children assume that you have dear chickies??